Murderer.
That's what you have to become.
A murderer.
You want to stop?

The problem is not you.

The problem is your best friend.
The one who lives inside you.
The one who doesn't want to stop.
The one who needs tobacco like you need air.

You have to kill your best friend.

Slowly.

You are going to have to starve your best friend to death.
Your best friend has to die so that you may have just a chance of living out a reasonably long and reasonably healthy life.
You best friend who has never done anything but be there for you.
The best friend who is made up of two identities.
The Cigarette itself is part of your best friend.

The Cigarette has always been there, whenever there's been a problem, Cigarette's there, when you were having a great time, shared it with Cigarette, when your friends left you behind, when the night screwed up, when things just refused to go right, Cigarette said, "That's alright. I'll always be here for you, no matter how badly you screw it up, I'll be here.
I want to share those moments when it's tough, when it's exciting, I'll even make boredom a lot easier to handle just by being there with you and for you."

"Because I'm your very best friend", says Cigarette.

And Cigarette told no lies. When the car was doing three times the limit, you made sure Cigarette was there, and even though some things are kept between two people, you couldn't wait to bring Cigarette into the relationship, even before the sweat stop flowing. Like a wall of pleasure between you and whatever circumstance you're in, good ol' Cigarette takes the weight of every little circumstance just before you do.
But it's not exactly you we're dealing with, is it.
Its' just a part of you.
The part that came to life sometime ago when circumstances conspired to convince you that Cigarette would be a good friend, the sort of friend you could rely upon to always be there.
Can't be all of you, otherwise the thought would never occur to actually end this great relationship with Cigarette.
No, it's just one part of you. One part of you lives only to consume Cigarette, as many as possible as often as possible. Food and drink are simply aperitifs to this part of you. Screw breakfast, just a cup of coffee or tea to wake the throat up and prepare for....Cigarette. It becomes part of your teeth, your mouth, your hair, your eyes, like the spice-eaters on Dune, you become part of the drug and the drug becomes part of you, so that you cannot see the end of yourself and the beginning of Cigarette, you're simply two parts of the same entity.

And now you are going to have to kill your best friend.

If you want to live.

For some short time the veil is lifted from your eyes, and you suddenly realise that these 2 entities are enemies who have broken your defences and have been gnawing away at your body since the day you invited Cigarette in for the first time.

They're not your friends at all.

They are conspiring to kill you.

Worse, they've convinced you that they're friends of your's. Worse still, they have monitored since Cigarette #1 the many reasons why you reach for a Cigarette.

The cigarette smoker inside you and the Cigarettes that smoker needs to live, will conspire again now.

You have no idea how conniving, cunning and well-stocked with information about just how weak you are, and exactly when to expect your moments of weakness to arise.

Your best friend now has to play a waiting game.
Because you are strong right now.
You're giving up this horrible habit, this life-threatening thing you've been doing for far too long.
You're saying "Enough of this! I'm stronger than this ridiculous weed! Never again will I allow a stick of tobacco between my lips. I'm going to eat and enjoy real food which will make me strong and live longer. I'm going to hold my head high and tell my friends, 'Today I have become a better person, a person you will be proud to call a friend. Today, I have kicked that habit! No more Cigarette for me!!' I'm taking the first step of a long trip to health and happiness."

And your friend and family will be very pleased.

Of course if you, as some do, keep telling your friends and family how wonderful you still are two days later, one week after that, and similarly and often in the days weeks and months thereafter, your friends and family may well begin to think it'd be better if you hadn't given up as they would've been spared the constant self-congratulatory monologues, but what the hell, that's what friends are for.

No, that'll be a small problem.
Very small.
Compared to the one that's been coming like lights on the horizon. Lights from miles away but they seem as though they'll arrive any second now.

Behind you eyes you can feel the presence of your 2-faced best friend. The conspirators live on within you, weeks, months, even years later. Remember how you hardly needed to eat when you were friends with Cigarette. That's part of the deal. The smoker that you brought to life, paradoxically, is very strong even though born of weakness. The smoker can survive on a chance whiff of tobacco on a street corner. An hour in a bar will recharge the batteries for months.

And this is what will begin to surface: these two are going to wait until I'm vulnerable, until something goes so wrong the idea of having a Cigarette will seem terribly insignificant in comparison. The car accident, the Tax audit, the serious end of the serious relationship....the pain, the loss, the death...sooner or later there'll be a situation which is hard-wired into your mentality as allowing you to say, "Right. That's it! I need Cigarette because of this!". And no-one will disagree....with the first one.

Or maybe the second.

And every puff will breathe life back into Cigarette's lungs and, although it's a tragedy which has given you permission to meet with Cigarette again, in a way it'll feel like a celebration, a great meeting of old friends, and why did we ever lose touch in the first place and let's get together again real soon. Why? Because we're friends aren't we? Sure we are, we're friends....we're best friends.

Suddenly you realise just how empty your life had seemed for so long.
But not any more!

Cigarette is back!

Cigarette will play with you once your threshold has been ascertained. You may be allowed to think you've really beaten it. It's been almost a year and you really killed it. Like, it wasn't even as hard as people reckoned it was gonna be. Okay, there were a few hard nights, but really, I could in and out of this.

And somehow a packet is looking at you, white tips winking at you.
"No way. Well maybe just with the beer, 'cause, you know I really reckon I've got this thing under control." And you let out a little chuckle, only it wasn't you, it was Cigarette, letting out a little breathy chuckle. Having a laugh at your expense, using your lungs and laugh equipment to do it.

Smoker is not dead and never will be.

But you can bring both Cigarette and Smoker to the brink of death and keep them there.

If you're strong enough.

Maybe.

Of course it could be quite different for you.
Like, nothin' like this at all.
Might be better to disregard this altogether.

After all, it's your life, you decide...

© 2004 S.Kiely